The Idler

DIARY of ARTHUR SMITH

He’s got a lovely voice, ARTHUR SMITH. And he knows all there is to know about doing nothing. Taken from Idler 27

I’m amazed when people want more hours in the day. I think there are far too many already. The most brilliant and exciting moments of a lifetime are just that, moments. If you add them all together, they come to about twenty five minutes. There are 700,805 hours in a person’s life. Oh yes, you can do stuff. You can have a job, children, climb Mount Everest, go bungee jumping, but it’s all a lie. People who lead busy, interesting lives are in denial. People like myself, who get up in the early afternoon and wrestle boredom to the floor – we’re the true heroes. Don’t you see? You can’t stop time. Have you ever been so bored that you’d rather check into a hotel than change your duvet cover? Have you ever been so bored that you could scream?

10am Wake up. Have piss. Decide not to go swimming. Go back to bed.

11am Wake up. Get dressed. Have piss. Go back to bed.

11.30am Wake up. Get undressed. Go back to bed.

12.41pm Get up. Turn on telly.

8.00pm Turn off telly.

8.02pm Go to pub.

8.04 – 9.27pm Feel fantastic. World is my oyster. Meet Geoff and his attractive wife Denise. Rejoice in infinite variety of human personality.

9.57pm Geoff is a wanker. Don’t know what Denise sees in him. They leave, probably to have sex together.

10.15pm Middle-age woman on neighbouring table does not wish to go to bed with me.

10.32pm Life has no meaning. Am plunged into black depression. Resolve to go swimming every day, start work on novel and not drink for a fortnight.

10.59pm Order pint, large scotch, and bottle of white wine to take home.

12.27pm Arrive at club in West End. Fail to gain entry. Notice Geoff and Denise inside. Get taxi home.

1.15am Call ex-girlfriend. Put phone down after one ring.

1.16am Call ex-girlfriend. Put down phone after two rings.

1.19am Begin work on novel.

1.20am Decide to check email.

1.21am Realise I don’t own a computer.

1.22am Go to bed.

10am Wake up. Have piss. Decide not to go swimming. Go back to bed.

From Arthur Smith sings Leonard Cohen.