Peterhead

35 miles north of Aberdeen, this shithole has the dubious honour of having more churches per head of population than anywhere else in the UK. It has more of them than it has hotels and pubs combined.

The fishing industry has spawned a whole load of rich young neds who routinely wrap themselves and their passengers round the towns lamposts.

Its position in the north east of Scotland means that the town enjoys a shite climate all year round – earning it the nickname the Blue Toon.

Peterhead prison holds the worst sex offenders and nasty types from all round Britain .

Instead of drink and drugs the way to rebel against your parents is to take up Satanism, with the News of the World trumpeting the place as the Satanism capital of Scotland.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve nowt against these satanist chappies but there are surely better places to go for such thrills. Like Huntly for instance, but that’s another story.

Bruce Murray