Ormskirk

The New Year in Ormskirk is greeted by the clock tower in the town centre (reading 3.40pm) plummeting some hapless pisshead daredevil mountaineer to earth in the manner of King Kong in distress. The gunshot crack of shattered pelvis is the signal for the surrounding throng, in keeping with tradition, to kiss a constable as apology for the inevitable arrest at this very spot in the forthcoming year, and a forlorn hope of easier treatment.

Defunct cultural television train wreck Network 7 once bestowed upon the town the somewhat dubious accolade of top-ten suburban center for getting battered or something, and a celebratory plaque was immediately erected atop the Civic Hall. Unfortunately, it was even more immediately destroyed during the monthly youth disco shenanigans, which, interestingly, served as a training camp for the competing teams that lifted the Calamity Cup in the first place.

Garry Williamson