Strivers and Skivers: 3
SKIVERS
ZX SPECTRUM EMULATORS: Turn off your 1000Mhz PC into a 48k joyfest with these nifty pieces of software that allow you to play all those old classic games like Manic Miner, Jet Set Willy, and the punishing Daley Thompsion’s Decathlon. Access priceless childhood memories rendered in blocky graphics with authentic colour clash. There is even a tribute website to your Spectrum magazine, allowing you to catch up on what its bygone contributors are up to now. Sometimes you can take retro a little too far.
W.AXL.ROSE: The Bad Boy frontman of Eighties rock outfit Guns ‘n’ Roses has become a virtual recluse since the scrimonious split of the nband in 1994. His long awaited follow-up album, Chinese Democracy, six years in the making at a reported cost of $6 million to Geffen Records, is suposedly a masterwork reminiscient of late Led Zeppelin. He has also acquired a Yoko Ono type partner, a mystic referred to by the G ‘n’ R camp as ‘Yoda’ who lives in the Phoenix Desert, and whom Axl relies on to protect him from Bad Vibes. Like David Bowie, and Jim Morrison before him, Axl has learned that solace and reflection rather than hard toil, are the true path to enlightenment.
LILIES: Consider the lilies of the field, they toil not, neither do they spin.
GEORGE W BUSH: The US President refuses to work more than six or seven hours a day as he feels this keeps him more productive and efficient than the standard fourteen hour day worked by the majority of US politicians. As Idler reader Andy Townsend points out, the idea of the Idler and GW Bush Jr being philisophical bedfellows is just too bizarre. Bertrand Russell first classified such false Idlers, those whose ‘idleness is only rendered possible by the industry of others… the last thing that they have ever wished for is that others should follow their example.’
TECHNOLOGY: Promised to do all the work for us. Didn’t
STRIVERS
LINEONE: Feelgood motivational branding messages reached new levels of hyperbole with the unveiling of LineOne’s new strapline ‘Invent Your Own Universe’. The Idler intends to follow suit with its own corporate message, ‘Be God’.
OFFICE RAGE: When sales of stress relief medicines increased dramatically in the last year at Tesco pharmacies, the supermarket chain commissioned a report on stress and claimed to unearth a phenomenon called ‘office rage’. Apparently one of the prime causes is faulty equipment, like dodgy photocopiers. Nothing to do with dashing your life on the rocks of meaningless toil, then. Instead of self-medicating with pharmacological panaceas, the Idler reccomends immense boozy lunches as the best way to combat stress. Get really blasted in the middle of the day. Not only does the afternoon just fly by, but the traffic jams on the way home offer the ideal opportunity to sleep it off.
MOCKNEES: Persons who neglect to show proper respect to the bit of the body that is generally found halfway up your leg. Mocknees continually slag off the whole concept of knees as inherently worthless, sometimes painting silly faces on them to add to their utter disregard for this bendable leg joint.
BIG BANDWIDTH BOYS: Anxieties about penis size have nbow been replaced by concerns at the speed of their Internet access. ‘How big’s your bandwidth?’ is now the clarion call for all insecure males in the pubs the length abd breadth of the nation. People with ISDN now cower before those with ADSL but join in the mockery of those who still attempt Internet access via an old-fashioned modem. ’14.4 BPS! 14.4 BPS!’ they shout until the offender crumples into a corner wracked by despair and slow-loading web pages.
THE BOTTOM OF THESE COLUMNS: Thanks to Idler reader Damien McGowen, they nearly do line up, but their still not quite there.
SKIVERS
ZX SPECTRUM EMULATORS: Turn off your 1000Mhz PC into a 48k joyfest with these nifty pieces of software that allow you to play all those old classic games like Manic Miner, Jet Set Willy, and the punishing Daley Thompsion’s Decathlon. Access priceless childhood memories rendered in blocky graphics with authentic colour clash. There is even a tribute website to your Spectrum magazine, allowing you to catch up on what its bygone contributors are up to now. Sometimes you can take retro a little too far.
W.AXL.ROSE: The Bad Boy frontman of Eighties rock outfit Guns ‘n’ Roses has become a virtual recluse since the scrimonious split of the nband in 1994. His long awaited follow-up album, Chinese Democracy, six years in the making at a reported cost of $6 million to Geffen Records, is suposedly a masterwork reminiscient of late Led Zeppelin. He has also acquired a Yoko Ono type partner, a mystic referred to by the G ‘n’ R camp as ‘Yoda’ who lives in the Phoenix Desert, and whom Axl relies on to protect him from Bad Vibes. Like David Bowie, and Jim Morrison before him, Axl has learned that solace and reflection rather than hard toil, are the true path to enlightenment.
LILIES: Consider the lilies of the field, they toil not, neither do they spin.
GEORGE W BUSH: The US President refuses to work more than six or seven hours a day as he feels this keeps him more productive and efficient than the standard fourteen hour day worked by the majority of US politicians. As Idler reader Andy Townsend points out, the idea of the Idler and GW Bush Jr being philisophical bedfellows is just too bizarre. Bertrand Russell first classified such false Idlers, those whose ‘idleness is only rendered possible by the industry of others… the last thing that they have ever wished for is that others should follow their example.’
TECHNOLOGY: Promised to do all the work for us. Didn’t
STRIVERS
LINEONE: Feelgood motivational branding messages reached new levels of hyperbole with the unveiling of LineOne’s new strapline ‘Invent Your Own Universe’. The Idler intends to follow suit with its own corporate message, ‘Be God’.
OFFICE RAGE: When sales of stress relief medicines increased dramatically in the last year at Tesco pharmacies, the supermarket chain commissioned a report on stress and claimed to unearth a phenomenon called ‘office rage’. Apparently one of the prime causes is faulty equipment, like dodgy photocopiers. Nothing to do with dashing your life on the rocks of meaningless toil, then. Instead of self-medicating with pharmacological panaceas, the Idler reccomends immense boozy lunches as the best way to combat stress. Get really blasted in the middle of the day. Not only does the afternoon just fly by, but the traffic jams on the way home offer the ideal opportunity to sleep it off.
MOCKNEES: Persons who neglect to show proper respect to the bit of the body that is generally found halfway up your leg. Mocknees continually slag off the whole concept of knees as inherently worthless, sometimes painting silly faces on them to add to their utter disregard for this bendable leg joint.
BIG BANDWIDTH BOYS: Anxieties about penis size have nbow been replaced by concerns at the speed of their Internet access. ‘How big’s your bandwidth?’ is now the clarion call for all insecure males in the pubs the length abd breadth of the nation. People with ISDN now cower before those with ADSL but join in the mockery of those who still attempt Internet access via an old-fashioned modem. ’14.4 BPS! 14.4 BPS!’ they shout until the offender crumples into a corner wracked by despair and slow-loading web pages.
THE BOTTOM OF THESE COLUMNS: Thanks to Idler reader Damien McGowen, they nearly do line up, but their still not quite there.
"The philosophers of antiquity taught contempt for work, that degradation of the free man, the poets sang of idleness, that gift from the Gods."