Strivers and Skivers: 1
STRIVERS
KEEPING IT REAL: What an idiotic thing to say. What is one actually doing when one is ‘keeping it real’? It’s our feeling that the ‘real’ is a slippery and increasingly unpleasant place to be, if indeed it exists at all. Really, keeping it unreal is the only realistic thing to do.
THE POLICE HELICOPTER: Will it ever stop citcling?
THE DOT COM REDUNDANCY REGIMENT: If global conflict escalates, will we see conscription of the recently unemployed dot-commers? Will our armies go into battle led by a rousing ring-tone?
AFGHAN HOUNDS: Can we really trust them?
AFGHAN WIGS: What are they hiding?
AFGHAN COATS: Bomb them
THE DRINKER’S HOUR: After drinking yourself to sleep, you awake with a start into an elongated twighlight hell, suddenly alert, heart kicing away in your chest like an unruly foetus. Eventually sleep reclaims you - ten minutes before you are meant to be up for work.
SKIVERS
BROKE: Necessity is the mother of invention, as Frank Zappa once said. That is why many pundits are hoping the forthcoming recession will lead to an outpouring of creativity, all those big plans hatched in dolie bedsits because you’ve nothing to lose.
GRAND ROYAL: The Beastie Boys’ company, an inspiration to us for many years, has sadly folded, marking the passing of an age of optimism, love and beauty, when grown men could ride skateboards and enjoy the heady flowering of a prolonged adolescence.
SEMEN: Sits around all day then gets all it’s work done in one big spurt
DAVID BLUNKETT: A tip of the hat to David ‘Comfort’ Blunkett for making pot Class C, thus categorising it along with steroids and testosterone. Our only slight anxiety is that youths may be encouraged to mix and match their Class C drugs. Do we really want our streets filled with muscle-bound male-ragers who beat up passers by who they suspect of harbouring ill-will towards Hawkwind records.
ANTHEA TURNER: Weep for the fallen telly face! Despite exposing her twitching budgerigar personality on Celebrity Big Brother, her needy chops are off the box, thanks to the regrettable demise of her recent employers, the Carlton Food Network, a satellite cable channel in which a studio audience of half-dead pensioners witnessed the birth of a chicken Kiev.
THE POLICE AND PRISON WARDENS: Our custodians of the law top the national sickie list with an average of 12 days off sick per employee.
STRIVERS
KEEPING IT REAL: What an idiotic thing to say. What is one actually doing when one is ‘keeping it real’? It’s our feeling that the ‘real’ is a slippery and increasingly unpleasant place to be, if indeed it exists at all. Really, keeping it unreal is the only realistic thing to do.
THE POLICE HELICOPTER: Will it ever stop citcling?
THE DOT COM REDUNDANCY REGIMENT: If global conflict escalates, will we see conscription of the recently unemployed dot-commers? Will our armies go into battle led by a rousing ring-tone?
AFGHAN HOUNDS: Can we really trust them?
AFGHAN WIGS: What are they hiding?
AFGHAN COATS: Bomb them
THE DRINKER’S HOUR: After drinking yourself to sleep, you awake with a start into an elongated twighlight hell, suddenly alert, heart kicing away in your chest like an unruly foetus. Eventually sleep reclaims you - ten minutes before you are meant to be up for work.
SKIVERS
BROKE: Necessity is the mother of invention, as Frank Zappa once said. That is why many pundits are hoping the forthcoming recession will lead to an outpouring of creativity, all those big plans hatched in dolie bedsits because you’ve nothing to lose.
GRAND ROYAL: The Beastie Boys’ company, an inspiration to us for many years, has sadly folded, marking the passing of an age of optimism, love and beauty, when grown men could ride skateboards and enjoy the heady flowering of a prolonged adolescence.
SEMEN: Sits around all day then gets all it’s work done in one big spurt
DAVID BLUNKETT: A tip of the hat to David ‘Comfort’ Blunkett for making pot Class C, thus categorising it along with steroids and testosterone. Our only slight anxiety is that youths may be encouraged to mix and match their Class C drugs. Do we really want our streets filled with muscle-bound male-ragers who beat up passers by who they suspect of harbouring ill-will towards Hawkwind records.
ANTHEA TURNER: Weep for the fallen telly face! Despite exposing her twitching budgerigar personality on Celebrity Big Brother, her needy chops are off the box, thanks to the regrettable demise of her recent employers, the Carlton Food Network, a satellite cable channel in which a studio audience of half-dead pensioners witnessed the birth of a chicken Kiev.
THE POLICE AND PRISON WARDENS: Our custodians of the law top the national sickie list with an average of 12 days off sick per employee.
"I do nothing and then I do something. But it's taken years of investigating idleness in all its forms to be able to achieve this. My discipline is borne out of concerted study of idleness."