The Idler

Ken Korda’s Personal Paradise

Controversial ‘in-your-face’ maverick film maker, pop svengali and renaissance twat, Ken Korda reflects on what we might find in his personal paradise.

GUCCI AFTERSHAVE
Whenever I’m going anywhere special, like Stringfellows or the Hippodrome, I always wear Gucci aftershave. When I say ‘wear it’ I am of course talking about my testicles. I tend to empty the aftershave into a stainless steel bowl and then carefully dip the balls until they are fully suffused with Gucci. I feel that even if no one meets the balls that night, the sweet sexy smell of them will invest my entire body with Guccicity and make me magnetic to the various female Eastenders castmembers I might bump into.

LEE EVANS
Lee Evans makes me laugh so hard! He’s a genius. You know, when I think about it, I’d say he combines the funniest aspects of Jerry Lewis and Norman Wisdom with his own crazy energy! In fact you could even say he’s like Jerry Lewis and Norman Wisdom…ON ACID! Can you imagine that? Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what he’s like. He sweats rather too much though, it’s revolting. Why doesn’t he wear darker suits or some kind of underarm tampon? Ten minutes and he’s sopping wet. Come to think of it, he’s just a revolting sweaty man.

THE FULL MONTY
It’s hilarious! I voted it the funniest film of all time last year although I think this year I’ll vote it my best film of all time. I like the bit when they’re doing the auditions and the big bloke comes in and he can’t dance or anything and Hamish McBeth says “What can you do then?” and he gets his wink out and everyone goes “Wow!” and Hamish says “The lunchbox has landed!” which is very good. I think it would have been a little better if you had actually seen his willie like in Boogie Nights, but no matter, it’s still marvellous stuff.

FORKS
Forks are a godsend! I’d really be lost without mine. The only bad thing about forks is that you can’t really eat Sugar Puffs or other ceral with them because of the long holes. I’ve been working on a utensil that combines the handy watertight bowl of a spoon with the indespensible precision prong of a fork that would solve this problem beautifully. I call it the Spork. Actually, maybe I call it the Foon. Or the Fachunka.

GIRLFRIENDS
I don’t approve of girlfriends. They don’t understand me and I haven’t got time to understand them. In my paradise I would have a girlfriend who looks like PJ from CD:UK but has my exact personality, intelligence and proclivity for unusual sex. But it would be a girl, obviously. I’m not gay, if that’s what you think. Me? Gay? No. I like women, it’s girlfriends I don’t approve of.

MUSIC
Music’s great. I think it was Joe Pesci from Lethal Weapon III, who said “If music is like food you love, play more, play more!” which is absolutely spot on. Whenever I’m feeling in the mood I’ll put some on and it makes me feel great! It’s amazing like that, music. My favourite kind of music is CD but I think MP3′s are great! No moving parts, and all on the internet which has changed our lives completely!

Controversial ‘in-your-face’ maverick film maker, pop svengali and renaissance twat, Ken Korda reflects on what we might find in his personal paradise.

GUCCI AFTERSHAVE
Whenever I’m going anywhere special, like Stringfellows or the Hippodrome, I always wear Gucci aftershave. When I say ‘wear it’ I am of course talking about my testicles. I tend to empty the aftershave into a stainless steel bowl and then carefully dip the balls until they are fully suffused with Gucci. I feel that even if no one meets the balls that night, the sweet sexy smell of them will invest my entire body with Guccicity and make me magnetic to the various female Eastenders castmembers I might bump into.

LEE EVANS
Lee Evans makes me laugh so hard! He’s a genius. You know, when I think about it, I’d say he combines the funniest aspects of Jerry Lewis and Norman Wisdom with his own crazy energy! In fact you could even say he’s like Jerry Lewis and Norman Wisdom…ON ACID! Can you imagine that? Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what he’s like. He sweats rather too much though, it’s revolting. Why doesn’t he wear darker suits or some kind of underarm tampon? Ten minutes and he’s sopping wet. Come to think of it, he’s just a revolting sweaty man.

THE FULL MONTY
It’s hilarious! I voted it the funniest film of all time last year although I think this year I’ll vote it my best film of all time. I like the bit when they’re doing the auditions and the big bloke comes in and he can’t dance or anything and Hamish McBeth says “What can you do then?” and he gets his wink out and everyone goes “Wow!” and Hamish says “The lunchbox has landed!” which is very good. I think it would have been a little better if you had actually seen his willie like in Boogie Nights, but no matter, it’s still marvellous stuff.

FORKS
Forks are a godsend! I’d really be lost without mine. The only bad thing about forks is that you can’t really eat Sugar Puffs or other ceral with them because of the long holes. I’ve been working on a utensil that combines the handy watertight bowl of a spoon with the indespensible precision prong of a fork that would solve this problem beautifully. I call it the Spork. Actually, maybe I call it the Foon. Or the Fachunka.

GIRLFRIENDS
I don’t approve of girlfriends. They don’t understand me and I haven’t got time to understand them. In my paradise I would have a girlfriend who looks like PJ from CD:UK but has my exact personality, intelligence and proclivity for unusual sex. But it would be a girl, obviously. I’m not gay, if that’s what you think. Me? Gay? No. I like women, it’s girlfriends I don’t approve of.

MUSIC
Music’s great. I think it was Joe Pesci from Lethal Weapon III, who said “If music is like food you love, play more, play more!” which is absolutely spot on. Whenever I’m feeling in the mood I’ll put some on and it makes me feel great! It’s amazing like that, music. My favourite kind of music is CD but I think MP3′s are great! No moving parts, and all on the internet which has changed our lives completely!