The Idler

Foocher

Now all the hysteria about the millennium is more or less behind us, we can look with a fresh sense of perspective at what the foochor holds. Using a powerful Sinclair ZX Spectrum and an old Pokemon with some minor adjustments we have been able to predict with 96% accuracy what we can expect and whether we like it, or not…

MUSIC
In around 2010 music as we know it will run out completely and we will start listening to albums filled with exciting sound effects only. Classical fans will purchase albums filled with the natural sounds of birds, babbling brooks and champagne flutes clinking, while pop and rock aficionados will go for noises made by cars, cash registers and the tinny beats that used to leak out of people’s Walkman headphones. The punk and indie fans of the new millenium will favour the sound of puking, glass shattering and de-tuned radios and clubbers will go for jack hammers operating at various speeds. After about ten more years these groups will fracture and in the case of clubbers your credibility will be rated by what brand of jack hammer you enjoy listening to and whether it features samples of classic American jack hammers or just regular Lambeth council pneumatic drills, though these too will eventually have their day.

FASHION
In years that end with an even number, flares, leg warmers, lime green man-T-hose (tights for men) and stonewashed jeans with loads of rips in the arse will be in, unless more than 65 people find out in which case khaki socks, groin gloves and knitted cycling helmets will be the choice of the fashion elite. If it’s an odd year everyone will be forced to wear wetsuits and ‘Frankie says Relax’ T-shirts. No exceptions. It may sound harsh, but there you go, that’s fashion.

FILM
The unprecedented success of last year’s Blair Witch Project will completely transform the world of film within five years. Studios, salivating at the prospect of making mega bucks for films that cost nothing to produce, greenlight a slew of similar projects covering various genres. ‘The Scary Room’ features a grainy black and white polariod of a darkened room. Nothing happens at all. Oooh the suspense! Speculation on the internet is rife. Is there someone in the room? Could it be a real room? Spoofs of ‘The Scary Room’ feature political figures and famous personalities in their own darkened rooms. It’s funny to see them there. Another successful project is ‘Cat’ in which a cat lies curled up by the fire for an hour and a half. This is a big hit with older audiences who are sick of being shocked all the time. Then after a few years of this, audiences demand a return to the innocence of Hollywood’s big budget golden age. ‘Star Wars: The Phantom Menace’ is re-released with all the computer generated scenes lovingly removed and recreated with real actors and models. Five years later these new scenes are themselves lovingly removed and replaced with black & white polaroids of darkened rooms.

Now all the hysteria about the millennium is more or less behind us, we can look with a fresh sense of perspective at what the foochor holds. Using a powerful Sinclair ZX Spectrum and an old Pokemon with some minor adjustments we have been able to predict with 96% accuracy what we can expect and whether we like it, or not…

MUSIC
In around 2010 music as we know it will run out completely and we will start listening to albums filled with exciting sound effects only. Classical fans will purchase albums filled with the natural sounds of birds, babbling brooks and champagne flutes clinking, while pop and rock aficionados will go for noises made by cars, cash registers and the tinny beats that used to leak out of people’s Walkman headphones. The punk and indie fans of the new millenium will favour the sound of puking, glass shattering and de-tuned radios and clubbers will go for jack hammers operating at various speeds. After about ten more years these groups will fracture and in the case of clubbers your credibility will be rated by what brand of jack hammer you enjoy listening to and whether it features samples of classic American jack hammers or just regular Lambeth council pneumatic drills, though these too will eventually have their day.

FASHION
In years that end with an even number, flares, leg warmers, lime green man-T-hose (tights for men) and stonewashed jeans with loads of rips in the arse will be in, unless more than 65 people find out in which case khaki socks, groin gloves and knitted cycling helmets will be the choice of the fashion elite. If it’s an odd year everyone will be forced to wear wetsuits and ‘Frankie says Relax’ T-shirts. No exceptions. It may sound harsh, but there you go, that’s fashion.

FILM
The unprecedented success of last year’s Blair Witch Project will completely transform the world of film within five years. Studios, salivating at the prospect of making mega bucks for films that cost nothing to produce, greenlight a slew of similar projects covering various genres. ‘The Scary Room’ features a grainy black and white polariod of a darkened room. Nothing happens at all. Oooh the suspense! Speculation on the internet is rife. Is there someone in the room? Could it be a real room? Spoofs of ‘The Scary Room’ feature political figures and famous personalities in their own darkened rooms. It’s funny to see them there. Another successful project is ‘Cat’ in which a cat lies curled up by the fire for an hour and a half. This is a big hit with older audiences who are sick of being shocked all the time. Then after a few years of this, audiences demand a return to the innocence of Hollywood’s big budget golden age. ‘Star Wars: The Phantom Menace’ is re-released with all the computer generated scenes lovingly removed and recreated with real actors and models. Five years later these new scenes are themselves lovingly removed and replaced with black & white polaroids of darkened rooms.