Ilkeston

Amenities: Market Square for fighting
Pubs: Plenty, but too scared to go in

The crap town of Ilkeston rises like a majestic grey slag heap from the equally depressing dull greenery. Rows of grimy-looking houses are inturrupted only by the occasional chip shop or seedy looking ‘massage parlour’ – Ilkeston must be a very stressful place to live as there are numerous ‘massage parlours’ in the town. Visitor highlights include the large dual carriageway that divides the town into ‘crap part’ and ‘really crap part’, the local Co-op, the architecture of the Education Centre (closed down due to lack of custom), and the bizarre-smelling river that runs alongside the town. Ilkeston’s most famous son is actor Robert Lindsay. He does not live there.

Tidgey P