Ten credit-crunch tips
While the spectacle of the American Empire falling is undoubtedly exciting, there seems to be a consensus that it is leading to general belt-tightening. Frugality, though, far from being feared is welcomed by the Idle Parent, who is trying to create anti-consumerist children because they are cheaper. The squeeze on money means that we Idle Parents can continue to be stingy while blaming the global economic situation.
Television shows, newspapers and magazines offer “money-saving tips” and advice on “how to beat the credit crunch”. None of them goes far enough. They merely offer cheaper alternatives to the rubbish that we already buy. Try going on a package holiday, one expert will suggest. What about supermarket own-brand products?
Such tips are feeble. The real answer is to go without all the dubious pleasures of the capitalist world. Do less. Disconnect. Stare at the stars. Here are some tips from a real money-saving expert (a rule of thumb is: never buy something that is advertised on television. Any product spending that much on selling itself has a very high profit margin):
1 Car: the average British family spends more than £5,000 a year on a car. What about walking, cycling, trains, buses or cabs? You could save cash by spending £4,000 a year on cabs. That’s more than £70 a week.
2 Breakfast cereals: over-priced and over-advertised, breakfast cereals are one of the biggest cons invented. Kellogg’s alone turns over £6.2billion a year. Buy a sack of porridge oats instead and mix it with raisins and seeds for muesli.
3 Holidays: don’t give money to a bunch of travel agents. Put up a tent in the garden and stay at home.
4 Central heating: take it all out; put in wood-burning stoves downstairs and wear jumpers upstairs. Wood is cheap and houses without central heating are good for the health. They keep you thin since your body uses up energy to keep warm.
5 Television: a waste of money and time. You could all be reading, talking or playing the piano instead. And television advertising stimulates desire.
6 Big house: expensive to buy, expensive to heat, time-consuming to clean and they make others feel inferior. Modest dwellings are easier and cheaper – and more polite.
7 Toys: either don’t buy them or buy second-hand. A three-year-old is just as happy with a 20p tractor from a car boot sale as with a new one for £9.99.
8 Juice: fruit juices, smoothies and healthy-seeming yogurts are unnecessary. Let them drink water and eat an apple.
9 Buy wholesale: profit is important to supermarkets. Their valued customers are not shoppers but shareholders. So form a co-op with neighbours and go to a wholesaler. You will get a 20 per cent discount – and they deliver.
10 Live in a field: buy a field and live in a caravan. Your worries will go and your garden can be used for playing, growing vegetables and keeping pigs.
Follow these tips, and you will stop worrying about money. You won’t even need a full-time job because your expenses will be so reduced. At last, you will have time to live.
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I may just take your advice and go live in a field. Would you do me the honour of letting me post this in my Credit Crunchista Carnivale – it’s a round up of the best I can find on frugality. If you don’t know about blog carnivals, it’s pretty simple and details are here so please take a look! http://www.nixdminx.com/?p=545
Ha ha! Great article, if a little harsh perhaps…I’m not gonna be living in a field until it gets really bad!
There’s some great, and slightly more genuine, tips on the gurgle site too – the baby budget calculator is coming soon and it’ll be a life saver!
I do a lot already. … oats + sultanas , local holiday camping, small house, drink water & 2nd hand toys. Also think FREE!! Free clothes, magazines, toys from friends & family. Free days out
Just have 1 car, love central heating & don’t want to live in a field. Also love tv & adverts. Desire does not make want to spend as I am tight with my money & would only buy 2nd hand anyway.
Where do you go to buy wholesale????