Ceding control of the larder
When illness strikes, it can bring with it a welcome dose of idleness. A 24-hour tummy bug recently felled each of us in turn, and I found much to recommend in the experience. First of all, an ill child makes a refreshing change from a well child. Apart from the odd pile of vomit to clear up, one finds that the child is simply less work. The ill child sits on the sofa under a duvet quietly brooding and looking cutely Dickensian while you bustle about. It does not demand to be played with and it does not break things, scream, fight, butt siblings, torture animals or up-end the furniture. It eats little and its temper is gentle. Your heart goes out to it with a pity that is almost pleasurable.
After each child had expelled the bug, it was the turn of our four Easter holiday guests – a recently divorced dad and his three children – to succumb. Again, this was convenient as the ill guests required no meals and barely any attention, beyond the odd dose of Calpol. The dad even stopped drinking wine for a 36-hour period, producing a considerable financial saving.
Finally it was my turn and the sickness overtook me on the afternoon of my 40th birthday. I immediately went to bed and Victoria brought me fruit and hot drinks, an unusual but not unpleasant state of affairs: somehow the birthday combined with being ill produced in her a greater degree of solicitude. Clearly, the invalid was also spared any household duties. I picked up a copy of Pepys’s diary and read a few pages before letting it fall from my hand as I moved in and out of a colourful hypnagogic swoon.
The following morning, Victoria departed for a London trip and our guests also went home. I was left alone in the house, bed-ridden, with three children to take care of. I followed what seemed to me the sensible course, which was to do absolutely nothing. Rest was what I needed.
From time to time, the children wandered in to ask for something. I told them that I was ill and they would have to look after themselves. Arthur brought me a plate of fruit, proving once again that idle parenting produces useful children. Do nothing for long enough and they will start to fend not only for themselves but also for you.
After a few hours of this, I realised that I had nearly recovered. But it was 4pm. Had the children eaten anything all day? Arthur came in.
“Arthur,” I asked. “Have you kids had any lunch?” “Yes.” “Well, what did you eat?” “Henry had 13 Space Bars, I had seven and Delilah had five.” “I see.” In case you didn’t know, Space Bars – flat, sticky things made of pulped fruit – are what faddish parents like us substitute for crisps and suchlike. In everyday life, we severely limit intake of these treats. So it seemed that the children had taken the opportunity of my illness to indulge in a Space Bar binge.
They’d also had five hours of freedom to do what they chose without the admonishing presence of a parent. From their point of view, my being ill had been a great laugh. So: another great success for idle parenting.
The only downside was clearing up 25 Space Bar wrappers.
Being ill may be good these days but it was even better in the 18th century. The common prescription for any illness was laudanum and rest – a great combination, I imagine. This at any rate was supposed to be the secret of the success of Dr Erasmus Darwin (1731-1802), Charles Darwin’s eminent grandfather, according to the historian Roy Porter.
Where have all the laudanum-prescribing doctors gone? Now, we have to put up with cures that have had all the pleasure removed: Calpol and Benylin both proudly announce that they are non-drowsy, when surely drowsiness is just what is required?
I suppose that these medicines are designed to mask symptoms so we can carry on with “life” – ie go to the office or school -whereas I think the clever thing to do when ill is to take a well-earned break and give the children some self-sufficiency training into the bargain, all achieved by simply staying in bed.
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My partner is sick today and I must thank you for the clever logic in this article that helped me convince her not to worry about anything and do nothing. Giving her no choice but to sleep all day has been an excellent result all ’round. As the director of the hard working and OCD cleaning activities in our household, her absence has meant stress free behaviour from the teenagers (she hasn’t been able to hassle them to do their jobs so they got on with them quietly). Also I have been able to exercise fully idle parenting on our 1 yr old twins who are right now standing on two chairs at the kitchen sink quietly getting soaking wet and leaving me alone to loaf about on the internet leaving pointless messages on forums.
Now I think I’ll buy a catapult. Rock on m:)