The Idler

Bill and Zed’s Bad Advice

Our very own Zen Masters, Bill and Zed have kindly offered to advise visitors to idler.co.uk, please e-mail your problems to them. Those chosen will be featured in a months time along with pearls of wisdom from our satanous sages.

Dear Bill and Zed,

I have just become a Dad. Could you two offer any advice on how I can make sure my little boy grows up strong and free?

New Dad, Shepherds Bush

{Zed} Heh heh. Well, the fun starts here. Not. Only joking friend. A serious answer to your exciting new situation. Although my colleague and I disagree on certain details on the rearing of strong and free youngsters, our attitudes are very similar.

Whilst agreeing on an extremely vigorous regime of ruthless and often horrific discipline, I still prefer the traditional birching for the mildest transgression of domestic rules, while Bill insists on thrashing the child with a large bunch of Scottish thistles. And again for more serious offences I prefer the more lenient diet of stale bread and brakish water for a year or two. Bill feels that the wicked child should eat nothing but stinging nettles and traditional Scottish Habenero chillies for at least a decade.

Punishment should start as soon as possible. I recomment a firm, savage thrashing from the age of three, every day, whether the young scamp has performed any miscreant behaviour or not. Because, believe me, my friend, children do bad things every day. Just because he wasn’t apprehended should be no excuse.

Again, on the issue of sexual abuse, Bill and I differ even more strongly.
I think a child should be at least allowed to reach puberty before being turned over to the local paedophile gang. Bill suggest it should be at around two or three. Either way, I hope you enjoy fucking up your kids. Good luck to the three of you.

{Bill} Congratulations. My advice is simple. Every time you change his nappy (and I hope you’re not shirking your new man responsibilities) imagine he is going to grow up to be the new Peter Sutcliffe or Dennis Nilsen. The vibes you will be vibing out to your bonny baby will ensure he will grow up to be as strong and free as a man could be.

Dear Bill and Zed,

I am an emotional cripple. While I am capable of feigning sensitivity to the problems of my friends and lovers, when it comes down to it, I have to admit that I really don’t give a shit. In fact, when friends start to talk about their real problems, I’d prefer not to see them again. I understand the lack of empathy is a psychopathic trait – yet I have no violent urges towards others. Just an indifference to their problems. Can you recommend some mental exercises to improve this lack within my soul?

Yours with trepidation, E. McDowell, Tring

{Zed} Actually, Mr Tring, what you describe is not a psychopathic trait, it is in fact sociopathic. Which, in a nutshell, means that you would make an excellent murderer. Zed, don’t you think? And anyway, Tennants Super leaves such a bad aftertaste. The trouble is that all that talk of mass murdering has got me in a nostalgic mood. We should never have let our petty differences get in the way of such a promising career. Still, there is no need for you to let such opportunities slip by. I recommend you give yourself a definite clear and achievable goal. Select seven dot com millionaires under the age of 30 and set about murdering them all by Christmas. You will undoubtedly become a national hero. You can then slip back into your lazy, liberal ways as you spend the rest of your life basking in the glory.

Our very own Zen Masters, Bill and Zed have kindly offered to advise visitors to idler.co.uk, please e-mail your problems to them. Those chosen will be featured in a months time along with pearls of wisdom from our satanous sages.

Dear Bill and Zed,

I have just become a Dad. Could you two offer any advice on how I can make sure my little boy grows up strong and free?

New Dad, Shepherds Bush

{Zed} Heh heh. Well, the fun starts here. Not. Only joking friend. A serious answer to your exciting new situation. Although my colleague and I disagree on certain details on the rearing of strong and free youngsters, our attitudes are very similar.

Whilst agreeing on an extremely vigorous regime of ruthless and often horrific discipline, I still prefer the traditional birching for the mildest transgression of domestic rules, while Bill insists on thrashing the child with a large bunch of Scottish thistles. And again for more serious offences I prefer the more lenient diet of stale bread and brakish water for a year or two. Bill feels that the wicked child should eat nothing but stinging nettles and traditional Scottish Habenero chillies for at least a decade.

Punishment should start as soon as possible. I recomment a firm, savage thrashing from the age of three, every day, whether the young scamp has performed any miscreant behaviour or not. Because, believe me, my friend, children do bad things every day. Just because he wasn’t apprehended should be no excuse.

Again, on the issue of sexual abuse, Bill and I differ even more strongly.
I think a child should be at least allowed to reach puberty before being turned over to the local paedophile gang. Bill suggest it should be at around two or three. Either way, I hope you enjoy fucking up your kids. Good luck to the three of you.

{Bill} Congratulations. My advice is simple. Every time you change his nappy (and I hope you’re not shirking your new man responsibilities) imagine he is going to grow up to be the new Peter Sutcliffe or Dennis Nilsen. The vibes you will be vibing out to your bonny baby will ensure he will grow up to be as strong and free as a man could be.

Dear Bill and Zed,

I am an emotional cripple. While I am capable of feigning sensitivity to the problems of my friends and lovers, when it comes down to it, I have to admit that I really don’t give a shit. In fact, when friends start to talk about their real problems, I’d prefer not to see them again. I understand the lack of empathy is a psychopathic trait – yet I have no violent urges towards others. Just an indifference to their problems. Can you recommend some mental exercises to improve this lack within my soul?

Yours with trepidation, E. McDowell, Tring

{Zed} Actually, Mr Tring, what you describe is not a psychopathic trait, it is in fact sociopathic. Which, in a nutshell, means that you would make an excellent murderer. Zed, don’t you think? And anyway, Tennants Super leaves such a bad aftertaste. The trouble is that all that talk of mass murdering has got me in a nostalgic mood. We should never have let our petty differences get in the way of such a promising career. Still, there is no need for you to let such opportunities slip by. I recommend you give yourself a definite clear and achievable goal. Select seven dot com millionaires under the age of 30 and set about murdering them all by Christmas. You will undoubtedly become a national hero. You can then slip back into your lazy, liberal ways as you spend the rest of your life basking in the glory.