The Idler

Wakefield

04 August 2005

Famous residents: The pop group “Black Lace”, responsible for such timeless gems as “We’re having a gang bang” and “Aggadoo”

Squashed like a Lamb’s testicles into the kebab of West Yorkshire is the city of Wakefield. Known locally (and somewhat confusingly) as the “Merry City”, this depressing abyss now passes its days as a staging post for the freshly paroled.

For the casual shoplifter, the city centre is an opportunity not to be missed, but If it’s bargains you’re after, why not try the “Ridings Shopping Centre”, the local containment unit for farting pensioners and pregnant toddlers. If that’s not your cup of tea you could always do battle with 2000 other nicotine stained fingers in the broken biscuit section of the “Food Weighouse”.

Street entertainment is varied yet painful, as the Bolivian foot-tappers are coined by pre-pubescent skiprats, abusive old women in Dunlop Green Flash hurl insults and beg for shrapnel from passers by… their cause usually aided by a broken Bontempi or keyless accordion.

The infamous “Westgate Run”, a crawl of over 20 pubs, takes in a number of semi-night clubs, including the exclusively titled: “Bitz”, “Toffs” and “Rumours”, all of which can be relied upon as a ticket to a quick knee trembler with Leanne or Donna and a certain dose of Yorkshire cock-rot!

Jonny M