The Idler

Todmorden

04 August 2005

Positioned nicely in the middle of a ’shit hole triangle’ made up of Burnley, Halifax and Rochdale, Todmorden or Tod slides under the low standards of its neighbouring towns.

Alcohol is popular in Tod, a quick glance down at the side of any road reveals that Tennent’s Super is the beverage of choice for Tod’s discerning drinkers.

One particular resident of high esteem is the former sixties pop star PJ Proby, who has lived in Tod for some years. PJ is said to enjoy going down to one of the many lavatories that pass for pubs in Tod where he, boasts proudly about ‘the good old days’ and is jeered and heckled by his fellow booze hounds.

.PJ isn’t the only glamorous element to Tod; anyone who visits the Bluenote club is sure to have a night to remember, participating in games such as ‘Dodge the flying pint glass’ and ‘How many tattoos are on the bouncers face?’

If you want to do something in Todmorden try the local favourite; theft.

Shaun Hughes

TODMORDEN NOT DEFENDED!

I can’t defend Todmorden, I live there. If Idler do come to Tod then I extend the offer of free room and board round our house to you, because you’ll not survive the B&B or the one hotel in town.

We used to have the highest UFO sightings rate in Britain, I believe it was just wishful thinking though. No, they weren’t just wishing that they’d seen a UFO either, they were wishing one would remove them to an entirely different universe.
If you lived here you’d know why. Dr. Shipman used to practice in Tod and it is alleged that he developed his addiction to drugs and morbid fascination with morphine here. It seems the town drove him to such despair and boredom that pharmacy pure hard drugs were the only option, so that was his escape to another universe. Actually, Dr. “right laugh” Shipman visited my father one night when he had an extreme case of ‘flu. If he was an old lady he would probably have escaped Tod early too.

It was no surprise to me to discover that “Tod” and “Morden” are derivatives of the word “death” in other languages (one German, not sure about the other). Come to think of it, I’d like someone to research a possible link between Shipman patients and UFO sightings, I reckon he was GP to most of ‘em during the UFO sightings; “roll up that sleeve my dear…”

And yes, I know about PJ “I ripped me pants on telly once you know” Proby. The other Todmorden old boy celebrity we have is Keith Emerson who lived here. As rock stars from your home town go, you can’t get much crapper than Keith “EL twatting P” Emerson can you? And I forgot to mention inbreeding because when you’ve been here for more than 5 years you tend to forget that it isn’t acceptable outside the town borders. And the KKK.

Steve Hanson