The Idler

South Woodham Ferrers

04 August 2005

Perched on the banks of the scenic River Crouch in deepest, darkest, highlights and gold-shoes Essex, it used to be a tiny village, with weatherboarded houses and the occasional train that passed through on its way to Bradwell nuclear power station. However, the 1970’s saw radical plans to turn South Woodham into a “Riverside Country Town” that was “The Place To Be” and the death knell for any inherent charm in the place was sounded. Expansion followed, and these days it has been transformed into a dormitory-town Legoland, only without any of the fun rides.

Its nauseating red and yellow brick housing estates were completed mainly in the 80s and early 90s – hardly a time known for tastefulness. The centrepiece of South Woodham is in fact the Asda Clock Tower, where heathen residents go to worship the God of groceries.

I doubt there are any more miserable places on this earth to grow up than South Woodham. Its not poor, or underprivileged, or even rough, its just utterly, utterly soulless. It really does have street names based on ‘Lord of the Rings’, almost all the residents disappear on the 7.32 to Liverpool Street daily and spend their weekends polishing their 4×4’s. I have no idea why anyone would willingly live there.

Kelsa Smith