The Idler

Slough

04 August 2005

“Come friendly bombs” blathered Poet Laureate John Betjeman; in between attempting to rescue the Euston Arch and penning his banal odes. Never a more appropriate word was uttered though. JB was a bit of a fruitcake, but he knew a shithole when he saw it.

I am reasonably certain that the original name for the place was ‘Slough of Despond’, but a bit of the sign got concrete cancer, (as many of the horrible buildings here seem to have done) and fell off leaving the one word. The only apparent reference to any culture is the name of Brunel in some of the municipal buildings, the design of which would no doubt leave the great engineer turning in his grave.

I end up in Slough quite a lot on business, and it struck me that was the only reason one would actually want to visit the depressing pit. Strung out along the old A4 (possibly in an attempt to rob rich nobs on their way from Londson to Windsor), it seemingly takes an age to drive through (or is that just time slowing down?). This task is made more tedious by the fact that if hunger grips you en route, you might have to converse with some of it’s mindless car-thieving smack-taking residents through the window of the local McDonalds drive ‘thru’, which serves principally as their gourmet restaurant. They spend the time when they aren’t nicking Astras in the dole queues, looking across the fields to Windsor Castle, probably only two miles away but which to all intents and purposes seems like an eternity…

Dan Johnson

THE CUTTING EDGE

Situated in rural Berkshire (or Berks as it is affectionately and aptly known ), Slough is found snuggled on the edge of several of the busiest motorways in the country, under several Heathrow bound flight paths and some of the countries most popular long term resorts for new age travellers or pykies as they are “affectionately” known locally.

Once an industrial hub, this has now turned to a town at the forefront of predicted redundancies in the IT and modern technology sectors.

The locals within Slough Town are famous for being on the cutting edge of fashion. Probably, two of the towns most notable inspirations are of course, the puffa jacket and Nissans with glowing lights hung from the undercarriage which inexplicably are unable to turn corners at less than 65 mph (presumably a side effect of the obligatory 200 watt in car hi fidelity boom boxes).

The splendour of the High Street in Slough is a Mecca for those who enjoy a tipple or ten during the daytime and on your travels you are guaranteed to meet a friendly ex squaddie (the town boasts the highest proportion of ex squaddies suffering from post traumatic stress disorder unable to settle into civilian life) who will not only go out of his way to inform you that a street bollard would be a handy accessory to your bottom but will also cheerfully demonstrate this to you.

Saturday nights highlight the fact that there are 963 friendly hostelries in a quarter mile stretch of the High Street and it is recommended that any visitor stand back ( well back ) and enjoy the cheery banter between the various sections of this richly multinationally populated sleepy little town, the local understaffed constabulary and vanfuls of their colleagues in rapid response units drawn from towns all over the county. It is interesting to see our cheery bobby in full fire protected riot gear, flack jackets, pepper spray and two foot batons.

Martin Coates

SLOUGH WORTH PRESERVING?

Dan Johnson has labelled us all ‘mindless car-thieving smack-taking residents.’ Well, writing as one who was born in Slough, lived in Slough for 18 years, and first became a tax-paying member of society in Slough, I object. I have never
stolen a car. I have never taken smack. I certainly am not mindless. A number of my friends are also long-term Slough residents. They do not steal cars, take smack nor work in
MacDonalds.

Slough has a number of high points. For example, it has a wide and varied wildlife (e.g. the rats that run through the underpass, the pigeons that defecate over every possible surface, and Nobby the Tramp who likes to urinate
into the post boxes). But seriously, it is possible to see wild rabbits, jays, deer, foxes and many other types of wildlife in and around Slough.

As for Betjeman, whose first verse continues “There isn’t grass to graze a cow” I think today he would have to eat his words. Between Upton Park, Langley Park, Black Park, Salt Hill Park and numerous open fields, there certainly is room to graze several cows. Or horses.

There are the down points to Slough. For example, the dog turds on the pavements, the concrete lump that passes as a Bus Station, the unplesant smell of the municipal carparks. However, I would like to point out that there is currently a planning application to knock down the Brunel Bus Station along with plans to redesign the road layout through the centre of Slough. So things are not as bad as they are painted and they are going to improve still further.

Cat