The Idler

McDonalds

IDLER DEPUTY ED IN McDONALDS HELL

I worked at McDonalds, in Liverpool. I didn’t get any stars. I failed all the tests, even though they merely involved copying the answers from The Big Book of McDonalds Test Answers into the questionnaire. Also, I had to work twice as hard as everyone else as the other staff were all junkies and couldn’t be trusted to operate a deep fat fryer. They were very good at cleaning though. They could polish one square yard of stainless steel for eight hours. Meticulous, if not efficient.

As bad as this was, I have to say it beats working in an office any day. Even standing on the gangplank of a ship for twelve hours was better than bleaching my mind by staring into a monitor all day, negotiating with deranged marketing harpies. When I think about it, I once met the man with the worst job in the world. I was at a party, he was introduced to me as a “pig wanker”. That is, he manually stimulated pigs until they filled a beaker with their issue. I said, “Let me shake you by the hand.”

Matthew De Abaitua