The Idler

School Cruise

When I was at school I went on a cruise to Egypt, Israel, Turkey and Greece. For anyone thinking this was some posh school and some luxury trip let me stop you right there. This was a no frills, pack �em in, out of season torture fest. The week before we went the boat we were due to go on sunk off the coast of Italy. Bedraggled school kids were airlifted to safety and the companies �reserve� liner was brought into action for our cruise.

It must have been an ex-prison liner. Our cabin was so low in the depths of the boat that it took ten minutes to walk down all the stairs. In the light of the previous boats difficulties safety was one of the more pressing issues on our minds. There were no fire extinguishers, none of us had any idea how to get out if we had to, kids just ran wild down the corridors, on the spot beatings were issued from each school�s bullies while the teachers reclined and got pissed in the more luxurious cabins at the top of the boat. Mealtimes consisted of a long walk down into the dark corners of the boat to the kitchens where you were issued with a prison metal tray filled with ladels of unknown slop from pissed-off looking Africans. It was so bad I lived off bread rolls for the entire week.

When we got to Egypt we got on a bus for a three-hour drive to see the pyramids. The company had arranged packed lunches, which they had stowed above our seats on the coach. Jeremy Guild pulled his box down and disturbed a large community of cockroaches that rained down on top of him.

After regaining our composure we arrived at the pyramids. Everyone had been warned about the dubious nature of the characters that prayed on young tourists there and we were specifically told not to accept the offer of camel rides. We all took heed of this advice. Everyone that is except for Chloe Richards who was taken out into the middle of the desert on a camel and relieved of all her money and possessions. She wandered back aimlessly screaming her way to the coach. Mr Bunting went off in a rage to �kick the crap out of the fucking bastard.�

On one night my nerdy friends and I attempted to keep a low profile and escape the attentions of the various bullies that prowled the corridors by hiding in our cabin. Sadly for us our very own bully, Gordon Bruce, was determined to find his regular punchbags. Luckily for me my good but undeniably stupid friend Michael had decided to strip down to his pants and wrap himself in sellotape, which Gordon was happy to rip off him before shaving my head and my friend H’s eyebrows. He then proceeded to take a shower with Diane in the cabin opposite (who I was secretly in love with and who always smiled at me) and then spent the night shagging her senseless.

Next stop Israel, the Wailing Wall and the Dead Sea. Chloe Richards was still in a state of distress after the previous ordeal and refused to get off the coach when she saw the machine guns being held by the prowling soldiers at the Wailing Wall. Later I broke my glasses getting changed while Gordon attempted to drown Michael in the Dead Sea.

Last stop Turkey where everyone was determined to buy a cheap leather jacket. After hours of searching the bazaar Michael finally bought one and rolled his shoulders smugly all the way back to the ship. Then Gordon pointed out that the zip was on the left side not the right, which, according to him meant Michael had bought �a bird�s jacket� cue much laughter from everyone while Michael, fighting back the tears, buried his new purchase into his bag, never to wear it ever again.

I decided to treat myself and spent the last of my meagre spending money on a bootleg of Bon Jovi�s New Jersey from a stall at Athens airport. I switched on my Walkman when I got on my seat on the plane and discovered I�d been conned. It was a blank tape. Just when things couldn�t get any worse Gordon decided to sit behind Michael and I so he could spend the entire four-hour flight kicking the backs of our seats. The bastard.

DK