The Idler

Fitzroy Island

Now I don’t know what the problem is, but over in Cairns (Australia) they seem to have nothing but praise for the “destination” of Fitzroy Island. The online brochure describes it as having “an ever-growing reputation for adventure, fun
and brilliant nightlife!” My friends and I were taken in by such promises, and so the four of us booked a day and a night on the island.

Big mistake.

As soon as we arrived, an apocalyptic rainstorm hit the island and our mysery was soon compounded on discovering that our room had not been prepared. So, we spent a couple of hours in a dank, dripping bar with not so much as an apology from the surly folk responsible for the rooms. We sat. We sat. We watched Dr Phil on a geriatric tv hanging in the corner. We sat some more. Finally, our room was ready, and we were all set to begin our couple of days of excitement and fun.

The room was small, damp, and the pillows were squares of synthetic sponge. There was also an impressive array of bugs and lizards jostling to annex our accommodation, a nice touch. We adjourned to the seating area and cracked open a couple of beers that we’d bought in Cairns before coming over. Bad idea, an employee helpfully informed us that we’d be thrown off the island should we continue to drink alcohol not bought on the premises. Then it was time to make tea in our ‘luxury kitchenette’…

The kitchen was like something out of a rotting fifties theme restaurant. Giant, rusty fridges housed ageing food, and, bizarrely, vending machines from years long past languished, coughing and empty in the corner. Yet more bugs and lizards lingered around for our delectation (including one calmly menacing spider). Would we like to use the kichen�s crockery and pans? The bellboy inquired. Then we would have to pay and rent them at a cheerfully extortionate rate. Fancy a glass of tap water? Err, not if it�s undrinkable, green, and full of nourishing ants. Perhaps we�d enjoy a swim in the sea? Not if it�s fucking raining and full of jellyfish at the height of stinger season. I complained to the manager. In a moment of startling honesty he replied, �Next time don�t believe the website, it�s all lies�

Edd Flower, Exeter