The Idler

Conversations: Dexter Brierley

FROM IDLER 13, JANUARY 1996
Dexter is four. The Idler went to discover his views about money, the workplace and kids’ icons.

IDLER: Have you decided what you want to be when you grow up?

DEXTER: A fireman.

IDLER: And what will you do as a fireman?

DEXTER: Put out fires.

IDLER: And what will you wear?

DEXTER: Suit.

IDLER: And how will you get to the fire?

DEXTER: In a fire engine.

IDLER: Have you got no school today?

DEXTER: I did go to school today, but I stayed inside. You can go out in the garden, but some people that feel ill can stay inside.

IDLER: Do you ever stay at home when you feel ill?

DEXTER: No, not really. [pause] I’ve got a fireman video.

IDLER: Do you watch Postman Pat

DEXTER: No. I hate Postman Pat. I never watch him.

IDLER: Last time I was here you said you were gong to live in a flat with your friend Jack …

DEXTER: I am but we’re going to live in separate flats. Jack’s going to a different flat. I should tell Jack that. I’m going to live with all the firemen. At night-time I’m going to eat my tea and fall straight asleep.

IDLER: So at the end of the day you’ll be tired.

DEXTER: I’m already tired.

IDLER: If you were a girl and wanted to be a fireman, do you think they’d let you?

DEXTER: No. [pause] The BBC came over to record someone in the bath.

IDLER: Do you like being in the bath?

DEXTER: No. Because I always have to have hairwashes and I hate it. It always gets in my eyes.

IDLER: Do you like using the telephone?

DEXTER: Yes. Oh. I’ve got to show you something. It’s a backpack for my holiday.

IDLER: Do you prefer being here or being on holiday?

DEXTER: Being on holiday. [pause] If you climb up the stairs you can see my bedroom. All the way to the top of the house. It’s a long way. [Go up to his room]

IDLER: What do you use your desk for?

DEXTER: Work. At home.

IDLER: Do you like working at home?

DEXTER: Yeah.
[sits down at desk; picks up mobile phone]

DEXTER: Hello Bengy. Bubbye Bengy. I’ve got to get something from my desk.

IDLER: What does your daddy do?

DEXTER: He always shoots film, every single morning. And he always comes back so so so so late. In the night-time.

IDLER: Do you think he works too hard?

DEXTER: Yeah. He has always worked every day.

IDLER: Does he need to work so hard?

DEXTER: Yes. Because he needs to do lots of filming and lots of work. And always when he’s at work I always feel tired. We should watch this video.

IDLER: What’s Elvis doing up there?

DEXTER: He tells me the time, Monster Elvis. He tells me to wake up at 8.15. My mum and Dad were lying in bed until very late … I woke them up.

IDLER: Do you find it easy to wake up or do you sometimes want to sleep?

DEXTER: Yes. Sometimes I want to sleep all day.

IDLER: What are those [metal objets d'art]?

DEXTER: That’s Mummy’s, she worked at her art. You always give them to people. Chop chop chop chop it off. We always give them to people.

IDLER: How does Mummy make these?

DEXTER: Well, she makes them out of metal. I don’t want her to just give them away. I want her to keep them. She’s not going to give these away. We should watch this video today.

IDLER: What other videos have you got?

DEXTER: I don’t know. I always play this in the morning. jump-ee jump-ee jumpy jumpy jump. Jump-ee jump-ee jumpy jumpy jump.

IDLER: Now that trampoline at the end of your bed is useful, isn’t it?

DEXTER: Yeah. We’re going to move it into the hall. My mum thinks it’s silly to have it here. So when I wake up in the morning I go out into the hall and say: jump jump jumpy jump jump waaargh!

IDLER: To wake them up?

DEXTER: Yeah.

IDLER: How long could you go on doing that for?

DEXTER: I could do it … jump jump jump jump jaargh.

IDLER: What’s Elvis’ job?

DEXTER: I go baaargh.

IDLER: Is he dancing?

DEXTER: Yeah.

IDLER: Is he a real person?

DEXTER: No. Shelley gave it to me.

IDLER: Is that your Auntie?

DEXTER: You know Shelley, you’ve met her before.

IDLER: Oh yes, I do.

IDLER: Dexter, is this you in this picture?

DEXTER: [laughing] Yeah.

IDLER: What are you wearing?

DEXTER: A dress. It’s silly.

IDLER: Why?

DEXTER: I hate wearing dresses. [pointing to a poster] That’s Batman and Robin.

IDLER: What do Batman and Robin do?

DEXTER: They always go, run run run, fight fight fight fight. Because there are always baddies that are chasing them.

IDLER: What would happen if there was no Batman and Robin.

DEXTER: There wouldn’t be fighting. Da da da da da da.

IDLER: But if Batman and Robin have to stay in bed …

DEXTER: They don’t ever go to bed, they just stay up the whole night long.

IDLER: Don’t Batman and Robin ever get a break?

DEXTER: No they don’t. That’s the baddie’s ship. Batman has a ship, but that’s not it.

IDLER: Do they get paid.

DEXTER: No. They never buy anything.

IDLER: Where do they get their boats and things?

DEXTER: I think it would be cosy and warm in Batman’s coat. Every people in my class when they play always play Spiderman. They play SPIDERMAN JUMPING SPIDERMAN JUMPING WARRRGH WARRRRGH WARRRGH WARRRRGH.

IDLER: [pointing to a furry toy] Who’s that?

DEXTER: Monkey. He says, “shall we go down to my Mum and Dad’s bed.” Yes. I go with monkey. He says daw daw dawdy dawdy. It means I WANT TO GO OUT OF BED, I WANT TO GO OUT OF BED.

IDLER: Do your friends like going to bed?

DEXTER: Yes. Thom-as the Tank, Tho-mas the Tank. Mar-my. Mar-my. MAR-MY!

IDLER: Who’s this purple friend?

DEXTER: That’s the baby teddy, and that’s the daddy teddy.

IDLER: Where’s the Mummy?

DEXTER: They don’t have a Mummy.

IDLER: Did the mummy leave?

DEXTER: The Mummy died. She went out in the road where the water was, and then she swallowed all the water all at once, and she died.

IDLER: After she died, where did she go?

DEXTER: [long pause] The doctor.

DEXTER: [voice of "Snowy" his hand-held puppet] “I want to live in the same flat, not separate flats.” I’ll find you a flat. Come with me.

IDLER: When you get a flat, will your friends move in?

DEXTER: Yes. My flat will be in the fire station. Tommy, do you want to live in the fireman’s’ flat with me, with the firemen? He said, “yes please”. OK.

IDLER: Who’s going to do the tidying up in your flat?

DEXTER: Me. Wah wah wah wah wah. Dee dee [more crazy singing and shouting]

IDLER: Shall we go and watch your Daddy’s video? You’ll have to put your top back on.

IDLER: Do you think you could live all by yourself? Do all your shopping and stuff?

DEXTER: Yes.

IDLER: How would you get your money to do your shopping?

DEXTER: I would work in my Dad’s office, and I would just get money, buy money, and I’d get loads and loads of money to pay things with. [we go downstairs to the TV room]

IDLER: Are remote controls good?

DEXTER: Yes.

IDLER: Why?

DEXTER: Because they turn it on.

Freed of our impertinent enquiries, Dexter finally settles down to watch his video. It is called Mean Machines, and one certain emergency service vehicle is featured heavily. we’ll leave it up to you to guess which.