The Idler

How to get made redundant

Want to quit your job but need a pay-off? Andy Franks has the answer

Want to quit your job but need a pay-off? Andy Franks has the answer
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Strivers and Skivers: 5

SKIVERS CONFECTIONARY CUISINE: When a kid carefully chooses three flavours of Fruit Pastille, squashes them together and pops this new Pastille Pie into their mouth, it is their first taste of cuisine. Other favourites in the canon include hula hoops worn like a ring then chewed off, adding vinegar to a pack of Ready Salted [...]

SKIVERS

CONFECTIONARY CUISINE: When a kid carefully chooses three flavours of Fruit Pastille, squashes them together and pops this new Pastille Pie into their mouth, it is their first taste of cuisine. Other favourites in the canon include hula hoops worn like a ring then chewed off, adding vinegar to a pack of Ready Salted Crisps (tried once, quite disgusting) and Idler favourite, The Rolo Kebab:
1. Insert skewer through the centre of an entire pack
2. Remove wrapper
3. Serve.
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Strivers and Skivers: 4

SKIVERS HACKNEY CITY FARM: Claims to be a working inner city farm, but is just six children standing round a pig. Their rooster has been observed pecking at a packet of Lambert and Butler, and at night you can hear the sheep bleating “fahhhk offf, fahhk offf”. For being marvellously incongrous, we salute it.

SKIVERS

HACKNEY CITY FARM: Claims to be a working inner city farm, but is just six children standing round a pig. Their rooster has been observed pecking at a packet of Lambert and Butler, and at night you can hear the sheep bleating “fahhhk offf, fahhk offf”. For being marvellously incongrous, we salute it.
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Strivers and Skivers: 3

SKIVERS ZX SPECTRUM EMULATORS: Turn off your 1000Mhz PC into a 48k joyfest with these nifty pieces of software that allow you to play all those old classic games like Manic Miner, Jet Set Willy, and the punishing Daley Thompsion’s Decathlon. Access priceless childhood memories rendered in blocky graphics with authentic colour clash. There is [...]

SKIVERS

ZX SPECTRUM EMULATORS: Turn off your 1000Mhz PC into a 48k joyfest with these nifty pieces of software that allow you to play all those old classic games like Manic Miner, Jet Set Willy, and the punishing Daley Thompsion’s Decathlon. Access priceless childhood memories rendered in blocky graphics with authentic colour clash. There is even a tribute website to your Spectrum magazine, allowing you to catch up on what its bygone contributors are up to now. Sometimes you can take retro a little too far.
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Strivers and Skivers: 2

SKIVERS GOD: As Paul Lafargue noted, Jehovah gave the world the ultimate example of slack: he worked for six days and then rested for all eternity.

SKIVERS

GOD: As Paul Lafargue noted, Jehovah gave the world the ultimate example of slack: he worked for six days and then rested for all eternity.
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URI GELLER SOLVES HISTORY’S GREATEST MYSTERIES: 7

Was Roger Hollis the “Fifth Man”?

Was Roger Hollis the “Fifth Man”?
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URI GELLER SOLVES HISTORY’S GREATEST MYSTERIES: 6

What Happened to Shergar?

What Happened to Shergar?
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URI GELLER SOLVES HISTORY’S GREATEST MYSTERIES: 5

What happened to the White Fiat in the Diana car crash?

What happened to the White Fiat in the Diana car crash?
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URI GELLER SOLVES HISTORY’S GREATEST MYSTERIES: 4

How do Crop Circles appear?

How do Crop Circles appear?
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URI GELLER SOLVES HISTORY’S GREATEST MYSTERIES: 3

Did aliens really land at Roswell?

Did aliens really land at Roswell?
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URI GELLER SOLVES HISTORY’S GREATEST MYSTERIES: 2

How did Marilyn Monroe die?

How did Marilyn Monroe die?
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Strivers and Skivers: 1

STRIVERS KEEPING IT REAL: What an idiotic thing to say. What is one actually doing when one is ‘keeping it real’? It’s our feeling that the ‘real’ is a slippery and increasingly unpleasant place to be, if indeed it exists at all. Really, keeping it unreal is the only realistic thing to do.

STRIVERS

KEEPING IT REAL: What an idiotic thing to say. What is one actually doing when one is ‘keeping it real’? It’s our feeling that the ‘real’ is a slippery and increasingly unpleasant place to be, if indeed it exists at all. Really, keeping it unreal is the only realistic thing to do.
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Grey Panthers

As the young embrace materialism, it is left to the old to voice dissent, says Will Hodgkinson

As the young embrace materialism, it is left to the old to voice dissent, says Will Hodgkinson
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Mr Lazy

Greg Rowland writes in praise of the great Idler, sleeper and revolutionary inactivist It is long overdue, but let us now celebrate the most famous narcoleptic in all of children’s literature – the astonishingly slack Mr Lazy.

Greg Rowland writes in praise of the great Idler, sleeper and revolutionary inactivist

It is long overdue, but let us now celebrate the most famous narcoleptic in all of children’s literature – the astonishingly slack Mr Lazy.
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THE BAD REPEAT FAIRY

Nicholas Lezard keeps seeing the same episodes of his fave shows – but they’re never the good ones

Nicholas Lezard keeps seeing the same episodes of his fave shows – but they’re never the good ones
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The Truth

BRIAN DEAN of Anxiety Culture has rounded up the real facts on welfare and reveals that corporate fraud and defence spending cost us far more than dole cheats.

BRIAN DEAN of Anxiety Culture has rounded up the real facts on welfare and reveals that corporate fraud and defence spending cost us far more than dole cheats.
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SKIVE Planner

MONDAY Has the advantage of prolonging Sunday and, by extension, the sins of the weekend. Also, has the knock on perk of alleviating Friday – your work clock has been tocking all week, then it suddenly ticks, you mistake Friday for Thursday and the weekend lies suddenly, unexpectedly naked before you. But Monday also has [...]

MONDAY

Has the advantage of prolonging Sunday and, by extension, the sins of the weekend. Also, has the knock on perk of alleviating Friday – your work clock has been tocking all week, then it suddenly ticks, you mistake Friday for Thursday and the weekend lies suddenly, unexpectedly naked before you. But Monday also has its disadvantages. By lumping a skive day on the tail of the weekend, you are left with four consecutive work days ahead of you, shuffling and laborious. If the week goes down as badly as a Fundamentlist Christian with a brace, you can’t pull out and spare yourself the grating agony.
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IT’S A BANAL, BANAL, BANAL WORLD

We asked our roving reporter to go out there and try and find out what’s going on. His results make disturbing reading.

We asked our roving reporter to go out there and try and find out what’s going on. His results make disturbing reading.
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Village Idiots

TIM RICHARDSON discovers Gotham, a medieval village whose inhabitants pretended to be mad to avoid taxes – and got away with it.

TIM RICHARDSON discovers Gotham, a medieval village whose inhabitants pretended to be mad to avoid taxes – and got away with it.
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Foocher

Now all the hysteria about the millennium is more or less behind us, we can look with a fresh sense of perspective at what the foochor holds. Using a powerful Sinclair ZX Spectrum and an old Pokemon with some minor adjustments we have been able to predict with 96% accuracy what we can expect and [...]

Now all the hysteria about the millennium is more or less behind us, we can look with a fresh sense of perspective at what the foochor holds. Using a powerful Sinclair ZX Spectrum and an old Pokemon with some minor adjustments we have been able to predict with 96% accuracy what we can expect and whether we like it, or not…
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