The Idler

A Country Diary - 49

16 November 2006

MY BRASSICAS are disappointing me. There is one brussels sprout plant which has reached a reasonable height but the other two are barely a foot off the ground. Then there are the broccoli plants which I put in months ago. They seem stuck at dwarf level. When I look over fences at other people’s gardens, or see allotments from the train window, their brassicas all seem to be about four foot tall in nice neat rows. What am I doing wrong?

I HAVE RECENTLY returned from a trip to Matavenero, an alternative village in Northern Spain. About seventy people live in the village, in a collection of self-built wooden houses. Many grow their own vegetables and you should have seen the size of their brassicas! Up to your armpits! One farmer there said it was all down to massive doses of cow shit. I thought I had given my beds such massive doses but maybe not enough. I also worry that the veg patch gets attacked by wind and I keep meaning to put up a fence to keep the wind out, or plant willow branches along the fence, but never seem to get round to it. It always looks a bit rainy and miserable out there so I’d rather crawl upstairs and nod off in bed while reading “The Deserted Village” by Oliver Goldsmith:

Sweet smiling village, loveliest of the lawn,
Thy sports are fled, and all thy charms withdrawn!

THE LEEKS are faring better. Well, I say that but in actual fact the first lot of leeks I planted have started seeding before reaching much of a size. The seeding leeks do look beautiful, though: they send out a tall stalk with a sort of space age UFO-style seed pod at the end of it. Maybe I should keep the seeds for next year. I think that is the next stage – keeping seeds. After all, each plant produces huge piles of them. Why should we have to pay? The other leek patch is doing nicely. Here I just sowed the seeds and never bothered thinning or transplanting, and some of the leeks have reached quite a size, even if they are very close together and some are smaller. I’d also like to boast that the parsnips are doing well, too. They have been very easy to grow and are absolutely delicious. I forget the variety: the Student, perhaps? I’m just not sure whether it’s worth bothering with brassicas. Maybe also we should do a hell of a lot more potatoes. Or just concentrate on onions. Hmmm. Clearly some thinking to be done.

CALL TO SUBSCRIBERS

If you are an Idler subscriber and you have not received issue 38, Green Man, please email the details of your subscription to shop@idler.co.uk, as a few records have gone missing.

MEET THE IDLER, WEDNESDAY 8 NOVEMBER

Our friends at the great QI Shop in Oxford are hosting a slackers’ night. Talks will be given by TOM HODGKINSON, editor of the Idler and author of How To be Free, GAVIN PRETOR-PINNEY, author of the Cloudspotter’s Guide, and DAN KIERAN of The Myway Code and Crap Towns. At the Club Rooms, QI Shop, 16 Turl Street, Oxford, Wednesday 4 November, 7.30pm, tickets �4. To book contact Victoria on 01865 261501 or vdw@qi.com.

November 1: National Unawareness Day

As a protest against the plague of awareness days, weeks and months that busybody charities and pressure groups are constantly foisting upon us, we at the Idler declare today, 1 November 2006, to be National Unawareness Day. Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream, as John Lennon wisely recommended. Forget it all, as Nietzsche counselled. Editor Tom Hodgkinson appeared today on Radio 4’s Today Programme to announce National Unawareness Day and we advise readers everywhere to go back to bed, go to the pub or doze off while reading a slim volume of verse.